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Wednesday, March 9, 2016

Pruning the Peach

Last year was a blur.  I don't remember many of the insignificant happenings, maybe because my life seemed to be overpowered with death and sadness.  I attended too many funerals.  Shed too many tears.  Sat in too many waiting rooms, waiting for bad news to filter through the white noise to my conscience. 

Among the most devastating events was the passing of my father.  I still can't bring myself to listen to the last voice mail message I have saved on my phone from him.  There are many weekends when I feel like I am forgetting to do something, forgetting to head to the nursing home or pick up supplies he has requested over the phone.  I constantly experience moments of guilt because I haven't visited, and then I remember, he's not there.  He doesn't need my help, or a new Spring wreath for his room anymore.  I have carried this with me since August 11th.  The guilt and sadness have festered deep in my soul and dragged me down into my darkest depths.  My limbs have felt dead some days, limp and numb. 

Shortly after my father passed I had to make one of the hardest decisions, to put down our first dog.  He had been with us since a pup.  Twelve years. Pre-kids. He owned a piece of my heart that I will never get back.  I still cry when I think about him. The way he used to melt my stress away by tucking himself behind the crook of my knees when I was lying on the couch after a long day.  Or the way he would tilt his head and reach his giraffe size tongue onto the dinner table hoping to catch the small crumb that had been dropped by the kids.  I still have his collar in the front seat of my car.  My kids have asked if they can remove it, and I tell them it's there so that he is always with me, home or away.

I have often heard the expression, "time heals the heart".  My heart is healing and my days are becoming lighter.  I look back now and realize that I missed many of the small things life had to offer last year. Things that should be appreciated but are often overlooked when life becomes a burden. Wandering through my garden pulling weeds.  Walking the dog.  Watching the birds.  Today was a gift.  Seventy-five degrees on March 9th doesn't happen too often in New England.  So I enjoyed every insignificant moment today with it's sunshine and warmth.  After work, I found my garden clippers and pruned our peach tree.  A job that I overlooked last year in my blur.  I clipped off all the dead and weak limbs on our peach so that hopefully it will flourish in the months to come.

2 comments:

  1. Sweetly said.
    We are so sorry for your struggles of last year and hope you find new hope this year.
    We are here for you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Sweetly said.
    We are so sorry for your struggles of last year and hope you find new hope this year.
    We are here for you.

    ReplyDelete